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Fiction Friday! This weeks prompt was: We want you to imagine you’ve just had a fight with a friend, a co-worker, husband, significant other, child – you get the picture. You’re mad. It’s time for revenge. What would you sell?

Write a humorous listing for eBay or Craig’s List. Talk about the history of the items, why they must go.

All concrit is welcome and helpful.

48 hour spite sale from Friday at 6pm to Sunday at 6pm. Don’t show up 1 minute past 6pm on Sunday or I will pretend that I don’t know you and may even call the cops.

1 glass top, wrought iron framed dining room table. Easily sits four, can sit six. Perfect for apartment size.  He wanted one out of the blue. Having made not one other request while I was decorating our new home, I relented. I have had to explain that stupid table, which matches nothing else in the apartment, more times than I care to count. If you too have a love for glass-topped tables I’d like 100 bucks for it, but would probably give it to you for free.

1 gray and white female cat 5 years old, fixed, all shots, in perfectly good health. She prefers boys. Even though I feed her, brush her and try to pet her, it took that cat 5 years to sit on my lap, and every single time she does she looks at me letting me know, “Yea, I’m sitting here, but it’s only because he’s not home.” She’s going to wait by the front door for the rest of her life for him and that’s just going to make me mad and mean. Seriously, don’t even try to take her if you are a girl. No, you can’t have her brother, he’s my cat and loves me. That Daddy’s Little Princess Pants however is FREE.

1 Queen Sized Platform Ikea Bed, Cherry Stain, with all the linen’s. Bed bug free. If I even have to explain that one then you clearly have never gone through a break up, and if you haven’t, fuck you that’s not natural.

1 Vintage Red Velvet Couch. Couch easily sits three, and is pretty comfortable to sleep on. I should know, it’s where I’ve been sleeping for the last 4 months. The couch is an engineering marvel and weighs a ton, you will need strong friends to help you move it the three flights down. I’m not kidding he almost threw his back out moving it. 150 OBO.

1 G/E microwave, less than a year old. Because he couldn’t/wouldn’t cook. I mean scrambled eggs were a big chore. Every single time he made them he heated the oil too much and got the egg stuck on the pan and I do mean every single time.  Do you know how irritating it is to wake up and know that you are going to have to wire scrub out a pan each morning before coffee?  Really, really, irritating. 50 bucks.

1 Double Futon with black frame and Chinese character laden futon cover. Yea, I know, who has a futon anymore? He really wanted it for my sister when she moved in, and he had to get the best one so yes, we spent 1400 on a futon and frame. I’m selling it out of spite, he still likes it and is probably planning to take it with him to his brand new fancy doorman apartment. 1 dollar.

2 Matching Black Small 5 drawer dressers, 18’ by 52’. Could be used in an office or in a bedroom. Boring but serviceable, kind of like him. They match the futon. 1 dollar each.

1 X-box 360. With all games. 150 OBO. The PS3 is mine, so don’t even ask when you come over.

If anyone reading this is going through a similar thing, I would be interested in doing a key swap, I’ll take your apartment with everything in it if you take mine. Mine is a 2 bedroom, 2 bath, with a dining room and hardwood floors throughout. I am even willing to downsize to a one bedroom just to get as far away from this disaster as possible.